I'm okay.

Really, I am.

You've all probably heard of what happened in Paris yesterday. And maybe you've heard about the two other attacks today in the south of France. Yesterday, two armed gunmen broke into the offices of the satirical, but controversial magazine Charlie Hebdo during the daily editorial meeting and began firing. Twelve are dead, and at least four are critically wounded.  It is said to be the deadliest terrorist attack in France since 1961, when the OAS (Organisation de l'armée secrète), a paramilitary group that wanted to keep Algeria under French influence bombed a Paris-Strasbourg train, killing 28.

This morning, a policewoman was shot dead by a lone gunman south of Paris and a bomb was detonated inside a kebab shop near a mosque in Villefrance-sur-Saone a small town the east of France.

All of this is scary. It's scary for me, because I'm now living in a nation under attack. And I'm sure it's scary for you because there's a kid all alone now living in a nation under attack. I would give a lot to see my family right now. I don't see a lot of trust around me anymore. I actually find myself feeling strangely paranoid. I watch my step whenever I'm outside now, and I'm curled up on my bed locked in my house as I write this. You can never be too careful. Even going outside the school was a big ordeal.

I wonder what this means for the rest of my trip. If there is another large attack like these, France will go officially under "Alerte Noir," or Black Alert. I don't know if I'll be able to go home, and if so, when could I come back? Will the rest of my stay be marked with checkpoints and the sentence "Papiers, s'il vous plait?" I also noticed the U.S. doesn't have a terrorism threat level meter or anything like most other developed nations. Either that or I've simply lived my entire life with it on "high."

That's really what I saw today. People living with their own threat levels on "high." We had a minute of silence for those killed after a short discussion about the attacks. The minute went fine, but the discussion actually worried me. A lot. In my class of around thirty, there are three Muslim girls. They are all smart and friendly and helpful just good people all around. But as soon as the conversation started they became incredibly defensive and started attacking anyone that even hinted at something anti-Muslim. For example, my friend Adrien suggested that the attackers were "simplement des mauvais Muslims." That roughly translates to "simply bad Muslims." He's not wrong. They were extremists of the worst possible kind. It's a little broad, but it gets the point across. These men are not admirable Muslims, nor are they the image of an average Muslim. But one of the girls immediately began putting him down. I didn't catch all of what she said (she talked pretty fast), but what I got was that she didn't think he understood her religion at all and that we were all of us attacking her beliefs. We weren't attacking her beliefs. And most of us had at least tried to understand the ins and outs of Islam. My class is not ignorant. My class is not racist or sexist. My class does not hate Muslims. My class is actually impressively diverse and genuinely tries to have a good discourse. I felt like she didn't see that. And the subject matter wasn't even Islam. It was an attack on free speech above all else.

But I can see where she's coming from. I can't even imagine the harassment Muslims must get on a daily basis just for being who they are. With all that negative exposure, it's probably easier just to assume everyone is against you than to try and make the individual difference between hate and support. The discussion continued like that for the end of the hour. It really worried me.

I just hope that it won't get any worse.

 

Christmas Blues.

I just listened to that Dean Martin song. It hit me pretty hard.

I knew this was coming. I knew before I even left that I would be in a crappy mood right around Christmas. It feels kinda broken now. Christmas, I mean. Literally my whole childhood I've done the same things every year. And now that it's all gone I fell sorta empty.

No big Christmas tree in the parlor.

No stockings.

No government blockaded sewing room.

And no monkey bread.

I'm scared that I'm gonna feel like Christmas didn't come this year. I'm anticipating a feeling that I'll never have. It makes me long for home and my family. I want to be in the parlor with everyone else on Christmas day.

Now I understand why the kids here asked me if I was going back home for Christmas. It's really hard. But I can call you guys and make blog posts and stuff, so it's not all bad. I just wish it didn't hurt so much.

Also my birthday is coming up, too. We're actually doing a tandem thing next weekend. My friend Naomi's birthday is on the 21st, and mine on the 22nd, so we're doing a big weekend thing. I'm pretty excited because birthday parties are a big deal here. The last two I went to were pretty fun. I wonder what I'm gonna get. . .

So I don't know how long this feeling's gonna last. I hope not too long. I hate being homesick. You cry for no reason and make everyone else sad too. I'll be okay, though.

But for now, more of The Rat Pack!

Limbo.

I always find this concept terrifying. It's the ultimate gray area. You exist in neither Heaven nor Hell, but the uncertainty of your being constantly eats away at the back of your skull like a parasite. It's an in-between, like a lot of other things. As much as this world is filled with grand extremes and stark contrasts, little limbos pop up here and there like groundhogs in a field.

Right now, I can feel things changing. The ground is shifting under my feet and I can sense that I'm about to see the world in a different way. Where I live doesn't feel alien anymore. People don't look "French" to me anymore, they look like people. The language barrier is falling down brick by brick and I'm starting to live the life that I just built.

Yet, I still go to sleep every night curled up in a little ball. I have to count and recount the number of people who like me and hope that in never decreases. Because right now, my friends are my family. The only way I can clearly picture my parents is if I pretend they're right there with their arms around my shoulders and love and support on their lips. I'm truly independent for the first time in my life and it scares the heck outta me.

But my life doesn't suck. In fact, it's pretty nice. The only thing is that I'm learning that once you gain control of your life you're still not really free, you just move up a tier on the stepladder. I still have obligations. I still have responsibilities. I still have deadlines and I'm still stressed. Except now, all of that is on me. My decisions directly affect myself and those around me and this time there's no grown-up to catch me before I fall. I have to be big enough to know what to do, even if I don't.

It's getting colder here. I'm wearing layers more. By the way, thanks for the sweatshirt, Linkers. It's tasteful and it keeps me warm! Yay Night Vale! There's enough fur parkas around to make a new species of mammal, and kids are getting sick more often.

In short, not much has been happening. The days are starting to blend together. I think today is Thursday, but I'm not sure.

This limbo really leaves everything to your head. I'm using my brain more than I ever have before, and it makes me so tired. I go to sleep every night curled up in a little ball and count and recount my blessings:

That so many people like me.

And that I've made myself a good life.

 

Long time away; tons in the kicker

Sorry I've been away. I was moving around a lot but now things are settled and I can come back to this. I've done a lot since I last wrote, so I'll just summarize.

Went to Paris again. Went to the Louvre. I ate at a nice restaurant that looked like it was made by elves. I got a phone. We did Halloween. I was a soldier. Mariane was a vampire. I've been doing better in school, which is nice. I have some pictures, too.

I got to see/go inside the glass pyramid at the Louvre. I didn't know there were two other smaller glass pyramids on either side. I took pictures of some paintings I liked.

Halloween was fun. We carved pumpkins at Margaux's house and then went to a party at Mariane's.

That was my pumpkin. It had two faces and was actually pretty good, considering I had no tracing paper.

So all in all, I had fun. Things are kinda slowing down now. I've been gearing up for the winter. I wrote a song for my parent's but I don't know how to put it up on here. I'll figure something out, I'm sure. Keeping my head high for Christmas. I think I know what I'm gonna get! :D

I did it.

I went to Paris yesterday. Like PARIS Paris. It was awesome and beautiful and it rained and I was with all my friends and ashjshkjfhksjdhkjhazd. I went to a Doc Marten's and a café. We walked around and talked and had fun. Gosh I like it here.

It was actually surprisingly confusing to get around. The streets don't seem to have a lot of order or reason on the ground. I know that Paris was actually very carefully planned out and is actually really impressive city-wise, but still.

The café was expensive as hell. Six euros for a mug of hot chocolate. Like why. It was good, though.

I'm on school vacation for two weeks. I'm staying at Margaux's place right now, but I spent last weekend at Vincent's.

He has so many guitars I may actually cry. So beautiful. Margaux has some too. And a bass. Prepare a eulogy, friends.

I've actually been playing a lot of music lately. Like a LOT. With other people. And we sound pretty good. I guess I'm better singer than I previously thought. Then again, I thought I was a terrible singer. Huh.

After yesterday, I feel a need to see the rest of France. More of Paris. Normandy and Brittany. The south of France and the Alps. All of it. And maybe other parts of Europe, too. There's so much more to see than I previously thought. I can't wait to discover more.

Also, I'm living in a guest house. I've gone from sharing a room to my own room to my own house. It's nice, too. Really nice. Everything's nice. Every thing has been nice. I'm so happy to be here.

I feel like living here is so much more different than visiting. I get a more intimate experience of the country. It's sucked me in and made me remake my image of the world. My image of home is starting to blur and shift.

It's the strangest feeling I've ever had.

Sorry for the inactivity

I'm in the middle of some big changes, but I'll be back in action very soon. Promise. In the meantime, please enjoy this photo of a baby Red-Capped Mangabey.

Joyeux Anniversaire Raphael!

Mardi dernière était l'anniversaire de Raphael. Nous avons fait une petite fête, juste la famille. Je pense que c'est mieux q'une grande fête avec beaucoup d'amis. Elle était bien, sauf q'un petit accident avec la champagne. Les verres la sont du Rum and Coke, mon nouveau boite préféré.

J'ai passé un peu de temps avec ma nouvelle copine, Marianne. Le temps passe vite ici. Déjà un mois. Le français est difficile, mais ça va mieux. Je parle beaucoup et maintenant j’écris en français. Ma famille me manque.

Aussi, je lit des livres en français. J'ai déjà lu Lovecraft, Poe, Bierce, et Doyle. C'est génial. Je dois acheter plus de Lovecraft. Peut-être Bierce aussi.

Oh! My half-hour is up! More to come later!