Christmas Blues.

I just listened to that Dean Martin song. It hit me pretty hard.

I knew this was coming. I knew before I even left that I would be in a crappy mood right around Christmas. It feels kinda broken now. Christmas, I mean. Literally my whole childhood I've done the same things every year. And now that it's all gone I fell sorta empty.

No big Christmas tree in the parlor.

No stockings.

No government blockaded sewing room.

And no monkey bread.

I'm scared that I'm gonna feel like Christmas didn't come this year. I'm anticipating a feeling that I'll never have. It makes me long for home and my family. I want to be in the parlor with everyone else on Christmas day.

Now I understand why the kids here asked me if I was going back home for Christmas. It's really hard. But I can call you guys and make blog posts and stuff, so it's not all bad. I just wish it didn't hurt so much.

Also my birthday is coming up, too. We're actually doing a tandem thing next weekend. My friend Naomi's birthday is on the 21st, and mine on the 22nd, so we're doing a big weekend thing. I'm pretty excited because birthday parties are a big deal here. The last two I went to were pretty fun. I wonder what I'm gonna get. . .

So I don't know how long this feeling's gonna last. I hope not too long. I hate being homesick. You cry for no reason and make everyone else sad too. I'll be okay, though.

But for now, more of The Rat Pack!

Limbo.

I always find this concept terrifying. It's the ultimate gray area. You exist in neither Heaven nor Hell, but the uncertainty of your being constantly eats away at the back of your skull like a parasite. It's an in-between, like a lot of other things. As much as this world is filled with grand extremes and stark contrasts, little limbos pop up here and there like groundhogs in a field.

Right now, I can feel things changing. The ground is shifting under my feet and I can sense that I'm about to see the world in a different way. Where I live doesn't feel alien anymore. People don't look "French" to me anymore, they look like people. The language barrier is falling down brick by brick and I'm starting to live the life that I just built.

Yet, I still go to sleep every night curled up in a little ball. I have to count and recount the number of people who like me and hope that in never decreases. Because right now, my friends are my family. The only way I can clearly picture my parents is if I pretend they're right there with their arms around my shoulders and love and support on their lips. I'm truly independent for the first time in my life and it scares the heck outta me.

But my life doesn't suck. In fact, it's pretty nice. The only thing is that I'm learning that once you gain control of your life you're still not really free, you just move up a tier on the stepladder. I still have obligations. I still have responsibilities. I still have deadlines and I'm still stressed. Except now, all of that is on me. My decisions directly affect myself and those around me and this time there's no grown-up to catch me before I fall. I have to be big enough to know what to do, even if I don't.

It's getting colder here. I'm wearing layers more. By the way, thanks for the sweatshirt, Linkers. It's tasteful and it keeps me warm! Yay Night Vale! There's enough fur parkas around to make a new species of mammal, and kids are getting sick more often.

In short, not much has been happening. The days are starting to blend together. I think today is Thursday, but I'm not sure.

This limbo really leaves everything to your head. I'm using my brain more than I ever have before, and it makes me so tired. I go to sleep every night curled up in a little ball and count and recount my blessings:

That so many people like me.

And that I've made myself a good life.

 

Long time away; tons in the kicker

Sorry I've been away. I was moving around a lot but now things are settled and I can come back to this. I've done a lot since I last wrote, so I'll just summarize.

Went to Paris again. Went to the Louvre. I ate at a nice restaurant that looked like it was made by elves. I got a phone. We did Halloween. I was a soldier. Mariane was a vampire. I've been doing better in school, which is nice. I have some pictures, too.

I got to see/go inside the glass pyramid at the Louvre. I didn't know there were two other smaller glass pyramids on either side. I took pictures of some paintings I liked.

Halloween was fun. We carved pumpkins at Margaux's house and then went to a party at Mariane's.

That was my pumpkin. It had two faces and was actually pretty good, considering I had no tracing paper.

So all in all, I had fun. Things are kinda slowing down now. I've been gearing up for the winter. I wrote a song for my parent's but I don't know how to put it up on here. I'll figure something out, I'm sure. Keeping my head high for Christmas. I think I know what I'm gonna get! :D

I did it.

I went to Paris yesterday. Like PARIS Paris. It was awesome and beautiful and it rained and I was with all my friends and ashjshkjfhksjdhkjhazd. I went to a Doc Marten's and a café. We walked around and talked and had fun. Gosh I like it here.

It was actually surprisingly confusing to get around. The streets don't seem to have a lot of order or reason on the ground. I know that Paris was actually very carefully planned out and is actually really impressive city-wise, but still.

The café was expensive as hell. Six euros for a mug of hot chocolate. Like why. It was good, though.

I'm on school vacation for two weeks. I'm staying at Margaux's place right now, but I spent last weekend at Vincent's.

He has so many guitars I may actually cry. So beautiful. Margaux has some too. And a bass. Prepare a eulogy, friends.

I've actually been playing a lot of music lately. Like a LOT. With other people. And we sound pretty good. I guess I'm better singer than I previously thought. Then again, I thought I was a terrible singer. Huh.

After yesterday, I feel a need to see the rest of France. More of Paris. Normandy and Brittany. The south of France and the Alps. All of it. And maybe other parts of Europe, too. There's so much more to see than I previously thought. I can't wait to discover more.

Also, I'm living in a guest house. I've gone from sharing a room to my own room to my own house. It's nice, too. Really nice. Everything's nice. Every thing has been nice. I'm so happy to be here.

I feel like living here is so much more different than visiting. I get a more intimate experience of the country. It's sucked me in and made me remake my image of the world. My image of home is starting to blur and shift.

It's the strangest feeling I've ever had.

Sorry for the inactivity

I'm in the middle of some big changes, but I'll be back in action very soon. Promise. In the meantime, please enjoy this photo of a baby Red-Capped Mangabey.

Joyeux Anniversaire Raphael!

Mardi dernière était l'anniversaire de Raphael. Nous avons fait une petite fête, juste la famille. Je pense que c'est mieux q'une grande fête avec beaucoup d'amis. Elle était bien, sauf q'un petit accident avec la champagne. Les verres la sont du Rum and Coke, mon nouveau boite préféré.

J'ai passé un peu de temps avec ma nouvelle copine, Marianne. Le temps passe vite ici. Déjà un mois. Le français est difficile, mais ça va mieux. Je parle beaucoup et maintenant j’écris en français. Ma famille me manque.

Aussi, je lit des livres en français. J'ai déjà lu Lovecraft, Poe, Bierce, et Doyle. C'est génial. Je dois acheter plus de Lovecraft. Peut-être Bierce aussi.

Oh! My half-hour is up! More to come later!

                  

I miss Ian.

Not that I'm picking favorites or anything. I just miss him in particular. Let me explain.

He and I shared something nobody else really did. We watched the same youtubers, played the same games with the same friends. Now more than ever, I'm realizing how freaking awesome that kid is. For a few years, we fought a lot. Like a lot. Now I have trouble remembering any recent big fight we've had. I kinda like that. And now I'm gone. Right when we were starting to become actual friends.

Alright, I'm gonna talk to you directly now, bud. So listen up.

You get me. We've shared the same room for like seven or eight years. Now I'm alone. I don't have to move your stuff off my bed anymore. I don't have to look for my shirts in your drawers anymore. And I don't haveyou bugging me to use the computer anymore. I never thought I'd say this, but I miss it. I miss you. No one gets my references. No one understands why I make dumb faces. And NO ONE recognizes the Jerma voice.

For twelve bloody years you've been in my life. The most in my life out of everyone in my life, if that makes sense. When you were little you followed me everywhere and copied whatever I did. Now you're starting to go your own way, and I find a part of myself not wanting you to blaze your own path. You were just always there, whether I liked it or not.

And now that you're not here, I've never felt more alone in my room.

I feel likethere's a piece of my life missing. The stuff on my bookshelf isn't mine or yours. The solitary set of drawers holds only my clothes. My hangers only have two jackets, one I brought over and one I bought here. The only indication that I was ever related to you is a little corkboard with a couple family pictures pinned to it. Thomas is on there too.

I bought you something at a swapmeet the other week. Let's hope I don't lose it during the year. I don't think I will.

Keep your head high, kiddo. You've got a lot going for you. I'll even admit that you are, in fact, cuter than me. You little snot rocket. Good luck for whatever you do. Take care of the family while I'm gone.

I miss you so much, but I love you even more.

Duncan.