Christmas Blues.

I just listened to that Dean Martin song. It hit me pretty hard.

I knew this was coming. I knew before I even left that I would be in a crappy mood right around Christmas. It feels kinda broken now. Christmas, I mean. Literally my whole childhood I've done the same things every year. And now that it's all gone I fell sorta empty.

No big Christmas tree in the parlor.

No stockings.

No government blockaded sewing room.

And no monkey bread.

I'm scared that I'm gonna feel like Christmas didn't come this year. I'm anticipating a feeling that I'll never have. It makes me long for home and my family. I want to be in the parlor with everyone else on Christmas day.

Now I understand why the kids here asked me if I was going back home for Christmas. It's really hard. But I can call you guys and make blog posts and stuff, so it's not all bad. I just wish it didn't hurt so much.

Also my birthday is coming up, too. We're actually doing a tandem thing next weekend. My friend Naomi's birthday is on the 21st, and mine on the 22nd, so we're doing a big weekend thing. I'm pretty excited because birthday parties are a big deal here. The last two I went to were pretty fun. I wonder what I'm gonna get. . .

So I don't know how long this feeling's gonna last. I hope not too long. I hate being homesick. You cry for no reason and make everyone else sad too. I'll be okay, though.

But for now, more of The Rat Pack!

Limbo.

I always find this concept terrifying. It's the ultimate gray area. You exist in neither Heaven nor Hell, but the uncertainty of your being constantly eats away at the back of your skull like a parasite. It's an in-between, like a lot of other things. As much as this world is filled with grand extremes and stark contrasts, little limbos pop up here and there like groundhogs in a field.

Right now, I can feel things changing. The ground is shifting under my feet and I can sense that I'm about to see the world in a different way. Where I live doesn't feel alien anymore. People don't look "French" to me anymore, they look like people. The language barrier is falling down brick by brick and I'm starting to live the life that I just built.

Yet, I still go to sleep every night curled up in a little ball. I have to count and recount the number of people who like me and hope that in never decreases. Because right now, my friends are my family. The only way I can clearly picture my parents is if I pretend they're right there with their arms around my shoulders and love and support on their lips. I'm truly independent for the first time in my life and it scares the heck outta me.

But my life doesn't suck. In fact, it's pretty nice. The only thing is that I'm learning that once you gain control of your life you're still not really free, you just move up a tier on the stepladder. I still have obligations. I still have responsibilities. I still have deadlines and I'm still stressed. Except now, all of that is on me. My decisions directly affect myself and those around me and this time there's no grown-up to catch me before I fall. I have to be big enough to know what to do, even if I don't.

It's getting colder here. I'm wearing layers more. By the way, thanks for the sweatshirt, Linkers. It's tasteful and it keeps me warm! Yay Night Vale! There's enough fur parkas around to make a new species of mammal, and kids are getting sick more often.

In short, not much has been happening. The days are starting to blend together. I think today is Thursday, but I'm not sure.

This limbo really leaves everything to your head. I'm using my brain more than I ever have before, and it makes me so tired. I go to sleep every night curled up in a little ball and count and recount my blessings:

That so many people like me.

And that I've made myself a good life.